As with all things, love has changed with the rise of technology. Not only in the way people meet but also in how people interact with one another. Meeting online has become the most popular way for couples to meet.[1] We can now view sexual images whenever we want. And we can collect data on our relationships to see if it is working alright. I would like to dig a bit deeper into these aspects.
The neoliberal incentive of online dating
The pure availability of everything brings with it some consequences. Since there are many ‘options’ people will tend to stay single longer or have the tendency to not stay with a particular person for a long time. Apps like Tinder or Bumble thrive on the incentive of dating. These apps have no reason for a person to find a relationship, since then they no longer get money from that person. Instead, they opt for a continuous dating scene.
Let us take Tinder as an example of this neoliberal incentive. Tinder works on a subscription basis. With different subscriptions for a different price, you get numerous benefits to bump your profile. The algorithm of Tinder decides who you meet and when. Just as with Facebook likes, you don’t receive a notification of a ‘match’ immediately. The algorithm works in a way that when you start there is an increase in the ‘matches’ you get. After this bump, there is a cap on the amount you get per day. To get more potential dating matches, you have to either keep returning to the app, or you have to pay a monthly sum to increase your chances. This monthly sum changes depending on your age, gender, or attractiveness.[2] A person who is unattractive, old, and male will pay nearly ten times the amount than a young, attractive female.
These apps also have a psychological effect. Think about the perfect person for you. When you match with someone on a dating app, that person might have some characteristics of the perfect person, but necessarily they can’t have all. However, when you keep ‘swiping’ there will always be a person who has the other characteristics, the first person was lacking. Even though the first person might be a perfect chef who loves to read, the other one is a dog person who isn’t afraid to share their feelings. This way, there is always someone ‘better’. When we get to know someone, we also realize their negative aspects (as everyone has them), but when viewing a dating profile only the positive aspects are shown (if it is a successful account naturally). Thus, we can get stuck in the vicious cycle that there is always someone better somewhere else. This plays in the hands of fleeting relationships, where one cannot commit to another. And why would you settle if there is always the potential for someone better?
Although technology can help unite people who would never have met otherwise, it contributes to the instability of a relationship as well.
Porn: passivity in sexuality
Technology increases the availability of sexual material. Back in the old days, it was hard to know what a naked woman looked like. You had to buy a magazine for adults in a supervised shop. Before these magazines, one had to look at drawings or find a neighborhood where you could pay someone to be naked. Nowadays, a vast selection of naked bodies is on display. Everyone can find the body that is perfect for them. Do you like them slim or thick? Tall or small? The internet has got you covered. We don’t know exactly the effects that this has on the mind and body of a person. Some believe it has positive effects on body image or representation and increased safe sexual behavior.[3] Others see a more negative effect such as increased sexual aggression[4] or a distortion of what bodies are seen as desirable.[5]
I think the case can be made for the benefit and the risks of pornography. This is something I think is personal. For some pornography is disastrous and could ruin their relationship with their partner or themselves. For others, it has no real life-altering effect. Just as with alcohol, some know how and when to use it, while others don’t. However, I do believe that a shift in desirability occurs when viewing a lot of pornography.
When we view pornography, a certain movement happens. In pornography, we watch other people have sex (which is performance sex and not real sex). Yet, we do not view it as such (at least if you are not into that kind of thing). We view it as if we are having sex in that moment. This mirroring of the actor becomes a replacement for the real deal. When viewing pornography, we become the passive receiver instead of the active achiever. This distorts the way sex is usually had, with two active participants who are in common intimacy with one another. This is inherently different from masturbating without pornography. In your imagination, you imagine that you are an active participant in the sexual act. In pornography, you imagine this as well, but you embody someone else namely the actor. You imagine yourself in the situation of the actor. This can create distortions in how you view yourself, for example not being good enough in bed to perform a sexual act.
A lot more can be said about pornography, but other insights can be stored for later posts.
The quantified relationship
Let us now look at how technology influences the relationship we are already in. Nowadays, we really like to track progress and productivity. This is quite obvious in the ‘quantified self’ movement.[6] Through analyzing different aspects of yourself, you gain a better understanding of it. This has many positive implications. If you analyze your heart rate, you might find a mishap a lot sooner than if you didn’t do it. The idea here is that you quantify yourself, so you have enough data to increase your productivity. How many times do you go to the toilet every day? How long do you stop at the coffee shop? All these things influence your productivity and by understanding this, you can increase your productivity.
This can be applied to relationships as well, which results in the quantified relationship. The idea is the same as with the Self, only now you quantify the relationship. How many times do you go out a week? How many times do you have sex a week? For example, this results in studies ‘showing’ that sex once a week is the optimal amount.[7] This obviously does not consider the personal qualities of a certain relationship. Some couples who are less interested in sex might be content with once a month, while other relationships need three times a week to thrive. The problem here lies in the idea that when this deviates from the scientific norm, it can be viewed as if the relationship does not work or that the couple is unhappy. There is no magic number one can follow at which everything goes smoothly. However, by continuously tracking numbers, this can be forgotten. An analogy is with tracking your sleep. You can feel well-rested and energetic but only have a 66% score on your sleep tracker. Because of this, you then claim that you slept badly. This completely disregards how you experience the situation.
The quantified relationship can have a positive or negative effect on the relationship. It depends on how you use it. Collecting data on your relationship can improve some of the annoyances or discomforts one might have within a relationship. “Oh, your wife likes flowers, but you have only done this once this year. Maybe it is time to give her some?” For these aspects, data can improve the relationship. However, data can never show what a qualitative relationship is. It cannot be scientifically proven that sex once a week is the best for every relationship. It can only show that most people in most relationships see this as the best option. The individual differences are not to be forgotten.
Technology has impacted the way we view love. For better or for worse, it is not something that will disappear. The genie is out of the bottle, and we cannot put it back in. This is not necessary, I believe. Technology can improve our relationships drastically. It all depends on how we use it and for what ends. If we use it to enhance our relationship, for example keeping contact when another person goes away for a while, then it can have beneficial elements. If we use technology to define our relationship as good or bad, we have a problem. Technology is not objective. It is always made by humans who have certain ideas on different topics and these influences will always be represented in the technology, whether we want to or not. So do not let technology define what love is. Do it yourself, by acting it out.
[1] https://news.stanford.edu/2019/08/21/online-dating-popular-way-u-s-couples-meet/
[2] https://assets.mofoprod.net/network/documents/Personalized_Pricing.pdf
[3] https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780190075477.003.0013
[4] https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780190075477.003.0005
[5] https://doi.org/10.1093/oso/9780190075477.003.0009
[6] https://quantifiedself.com
[7] https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/how-often-do-couples-have-sex#impact
Elenchus Philosophy 
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